Friday, April 1, 2011

"A Shore Thing" Review

This was originally written for the ASMSU Exponent, specifically the annual April Fools edition.

They say write what you know. That being said, Snooki was the perfect person to write this story of two single-minded floozies in a competition to see who can be the biggest hussy on the Jersey shore. I considered myself tough for stomaching “Breaking Dawn,” but after this pile of whale vomit, I realized Edward Cullen has nothing on Ms. Polizzi.

The story follows transparent author avatar Gia and her cousin Bella, who couldn’t be more different. Gia wants to spend the summer having sex with as many guidos as she can, while Bella … umm … wants to spend the summer having sex with as many guidos as she can. There’s also a pair of villainous muscle-heads who are deviously conspiring to … have sex with Gia and Bella.

In the course of the cousins’ noble quest, houses are burned down, laxatives cause six-hour shitting fits and Gia learns to talk to sharks. There was a moral at some point about not needing guys to complete themselves, but it was lost amidst the characters’ constant boozing and banging.

Perhaps the book has value as an educational look at the life of young adults living on the Jersey Shore.
The book assumes one is familiar with Shore slang, but it took me several chapters to realize “gorillas” were in fact over-muscled Jersey boys. I also learned how a properly constructed pouf was the pinnacle of a proper Jersey girl’s existence.

Another strange lesson is that men in Jersey revel in strange nicknames, characters show up with names like Bender, Hulk and Trouble. In the end though, the book becomes more of an argument to firebomb the place into an ashy Armageddon and salt the land so nothing can grow for seven years.

The book is best described by Chapter 22’s title: “The Fine Art of Bullshit.” There are two types of people who will enjoy this book: “Jersey Shore” fans and literary masochists. If you dressed up as Snooki for Halloween and dream of finding your own “gorilla” someday, you probably already read the book and have no need for this two-month-late review. If you’re of the latter, though, prepare your mind for an exercise in self harm like none other. Just make sure you can cover your therapy bills afterwards.

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