Wednesday, July 28, 2010

How to Not Get Caught

Trainers step into tall grass, Pokémon appear, battles ensue, Poké Balls are thrown, and monsters are captured. It’s our world’s circle of life. Except, some of us get caught in this circle more than others. My parents told me it was a blessing to be one in eight thousand, but considering how many Great Balls I’ve dodged over the years, it’s anything but. Take this shiny Scyther’s advice, and you can avoid rotting away in Box 12 of Bill’s PC stuck in between a Bidoof and a Muk.

Step one: avoid the roads. You know who use the roads? Trainers. This sounds obvious, but I don’t know how many naïve Caterpies I’ve seen become a newbie’s first capture because they didn’t have the sense to stay away from the National Park’s trails. I don’t care if the humans leave food behind as they walk, that half-eaten rice ball is not worth an eternity in the storage system.

Step two: Know a trap. I know it may seem like a blessing from Arceus when you find sweet, precious honey slathered on the bark of a tree; but that sweet nectar is a poison in disguise. As soon as you sink your paws into that delicious honey, you’ll be Thunder Waved before you know it. Anything that seems out of the ordinary is not just too good to be true, but too risky to even be considered.

Say you couldn’t resist the Sweet Scent, or their Squirtle’s headbutt gives you the rudest awakening of your life, and you have to fight. All is not lost! Even if you can’t whirlwind the wide eyed novice back to New Bark Town, you can still run! Kick up a cloud of dust, jab their Chikorita in its huge doe eyes, screech so loud you wake up the forest for all I care. Any dignity you lose fleeing is certainly not worth having to suffer tentacle rape from a high leveled Tentacruel because you have a valuable Egg Move.

Step four: fight the Poké Balls. Sometimes you can’t get away, I know that. Chances are, this unprepared dolt of a trainer only has a limited supply, so drain the Balls Pocket and make him think twice about getting this page in his Poké Dex. If you really want to rub salt in the wounds, shake your would-be prison four times before you bust out, their reaction is worth it every time.

Step five, and this works every time: fling poo at them. No trainer is going to want to have a prolonged battle when their target is drenching them in Poké Excrement. As an added bonus, spicy flavored berries make the smell worse.

Good luck my fellow wild Pokémon. Follow these steps, and you’ll never be captured. Stay wild, stay free.

SCYTHER was captured by a challenger from Sinnoh by the name of Frank mere minutes after this interview.

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